You know what? I'm done hoping for years to be 'better.' Life is just a series of events, some good, some bad. Sometimes, you get a few of them in a row—good or bad. You've got to appreciate the good things when they roll through, and sometimes you have to try and find some emotional uplift when your bat's cold and you can't find a way out of the slump. 2023 wasn't a terrible, bad, good, or great year. It was all of those in short order, and—frankly—I'm sitting here writing this feeling physically numb and emotionally exhausted.

I kicked ass at my job and cemented my place among an incredible group of people at Slalom, who I'm proud to call colleagues, peers, and friends in a way I've never experienced before. I had the opportunity to learn, and my curiosity has never felt more attuned. But it was also the first time in the company's twenty-plus years that they were forced into layoffs, and some of those people went away. It's a complex emotional place where I felt compassion for them and guilty for not being one of them. I'm thrilled to still have the job I love, but it's left a palpable mark on all of us who remain. Then, there was the personal.

Strained family relations were sadly pushed to the fore as I said goodbye to my beloved stepmother, Donna. She passed at the end of June after a two-year battle with ALS (Motor Neurone Disease). The resulting memorials and the compulsory interaction with those family members who continued to attempt detraction from my emotional well-being made an already awful situation even more challenging (despite almost a decade of effort on my behalf to confront the issues to avoid exactly this scenario). But then, I also anchored my relationships with Donna's nieces, Keri and Kelsi, and their families. Having Keri here in Seattle by coincidence the week Donna passed was a blessing, I believe, for both of us. I also gained what I'm referring to as a 'Coven' of caring 'Aunts' – lifelong friends of Donna's with whom I reconnected in grief and have had the opportunity to spend time in memorial and now in at least weekly communication. They have continued to be a welcome comfort and addition to my life for over six months. Talking of friends, I started forging paths with new people this year and rediscovering life-long bonds with others. Every one of those interactions has meant so, so much and made this weird year feel a little more stable.

Then, in a random act of 'What the fuck‽' I found myself in the crossfire of three gunmen a mile and a half from my house at 4:30 on a hot late-July Sunday afternoon. 'Terrifying' doesn't even begin to describe the experience appropriately. As one of the guns was pointed at me during the altercation, I thought that was it – I was about to join Donna. According to the police and the camera footage they later reviewed, my actions in those few short moments were textbook to what they would recommend and what—apparently—people so rarely do. (I honestly can't think of anything I did in those moments that wasn't driven by paralyzing fear.) They also told me it was like I had a 'forcefield' around my car, and I'm lucky to be alive. In that, I discovered their professional opinion holds more gravity than a friend or therapist musing a similar platitude. There is no upside to this one that I can see just yet, apart from an additional reminder that life is fragile and our time here is completely random and unpredictable.

I also wrote my first album in eleven years, which feels pretty great. Unlike any music I've penned before, with some prodding and guidance from new friends like Tom and Jordan, I'll be spending 2024 pulling that together in an actualized format. This time next year, I hope to be writing about that experience and releasing it in 2025. In other music news, Jen and I saw U2 at the Las Vegas Sphere in October. It was a phenomenal show. When you see Eddie Vedder losing his damn mind in the next section over, you know it's a good time. But, then Jen took a fall due to an unattended spill on a marble floor in the casino later that night—completely sober, wearing Birkenstocks—injured her knee and hip, and had to take medical leave from work in November pending surgery.

Finally, out of nowhere, after sixteen years of a larger-than-life and loving presence in our household, Leeloo suffered acute kidney failure and was stolen away in the middle of a dark, stormy night just three weeks ago. She was my 'first born' cat. My shadow, stunt double, co-pilot, and best friend. The alien kitty that left my life as quickly and unexpectedly as she entered it. Part of me still can't believe she's gone. I miss her each second of every day, which have all seemed just a little less colorful than they used to be. I've shock-walked through each moment since December 5th and haven't fully processed her departure. Simply put, I'm griefed-out.

So, yeah. 2023 was a good, bad, great, and terrible year. I don't expect 2024 to be any different. For my whole life, I've heard the phrase 'Life is short' and don't think I ever truly internalized that sentiment until very recently. So, thank you, 2023, for being the year of my 'Existential Awakening.' Fuck knows what's going to happen and when. If you're sitting on the sidelines putting off today what you could do tomorrow, don't wait to do the things you think or dream about – get involved. Trust me, I now know what I'm talking about. And, with that—as ever—please enjoy my 'Best of 2023. I'll see you next time around, hopefully.

Favorite Songs of 2023 (in no particular order – Spotify playlist below)

Ahab, 'Prof. Arronax' Descent into the Vast Oceans (Feat. Ultha)'
KEN Mode, 'These Wires'
The Night Eternal, 'We Praise Death'
Prong, 'Non-Existance'
Horrendous, 'Ontological Mysterium'
Rid of Me, 'I'm So Lonesome I Could Die'
Wayfarer, 'To Enter My House Justified'
GEL, 'Honed Blade'
The Hirs Collective, 'We're Still Here'
Antrisch, 'III IN PERPETUUM'
Wormhole, 'Elysiism'
Tomb Mold, 'Will of Whispers'
Dryad, 'The Abyssal Plain'
Sacred Outcry, 'The Flame Rekindled'
Night Demon, 'Outsider'
Filth is Eternal, 'Cherish'
Jesus Piece, 'Silver Lining'
Owlbear, 'Fiend of Fire'
Hellripper, 'Warlocks Grim & Withered Hags'
Fire in the Distance, 'Harbingers'
Vanishing Kids, 'Only You'
Godthrymm, 'Echoes'
Elisapie, 'Qaisimalaurittuq (Wish You Were Here)'

Favorite Albums of 2023

Ahab, The Coral Tombs
Tomb Mold, The Enduring Spirit
Wayfarer, American Gothic
Prong, State of Emergency
Night Eternal, Fatale
Night Demon, Outsider
Antrisch, Expedition II: Die Passage
Fires in the Distance, Air Not Meant for Us
Elisapie, Inuktitut
Gel, Only Constant
KEN Mode, VOID
Horrendous, Ontological Mysterium
Jesus Piece, …So Unknown
Rid of Me, Access to the Lonely
Wormhole, Almost Human
Cryptworm, Oozing Radioactive Vomition
The Hirs Collective, We’re Still Here
Godthrymm, Distortions
Dryad, The Abyssal Plain
Sacred Outcry, Towers of Gold
Vanishing Kids, Miracle of Death
Hellripper, Warlocks Grim & Withered Hags
Owlbear, Chaos to the Realm

Honorable Mentions:

Krieg, Ruiner
Crypta, Shades of Sorrow
Carnosus, Visions of Infinihility
Great Falls, Objects Without Paingence
Oak, Disintegrate
Frozen Soul, Glacial Domination
Smoulder, Violent Creed of Vengence
Krigsgrav, Fires in the Fall

Favorite Shows of 2023

U2 – The Sphere, Las Vegas, NV – 10/5/23
Northwest Terror Fest – Neumos and Barboza, Seattle, WA – 5/25/23-5/27/23
Highlights: Ghoul, Necrot, Exulansis, Christian Mistriss, Solicitor, Castrator, Serpentent
P!NK – Snapdragon Arena, San Diego, CA – 10/3/23
Amon Amarth – Whiteriver Amphitheater, Auburn, WA – 8/4/23
Ghost – Whiteriver Amphitheater, Auburn, WA – 8/4/23
The Cure – Climate Pledge Arena, Seattle, WA – 6/1/23
Twilight Sad – Climate Pledge Arena, Seattle, WA – 6/1/23
Sanguisugabogg – The Crocodile, Seattle, WA – 12/11/23 ("Murder ball!")
The Walkmen – The Showbox, Seattle, WA – 9/24/23
Mudhoney – The Crocodile, Seattle, WA – 11/24/23
Immolation – The Crocodile, Seattle, WA – 12/11/23
Castrator – The Crocodile, Seattle, WA – 12/11/23
Conjurer – Substation, Seattle, WA – 5/19/23
Hulder – Neumos, Seattle, WA – 4/30/23
Wolves In The Throne Room – Neumos, Seattle, WA – 4/30/23
Buzz Factor – Slim's Last Chance, Seattle, WA – 5/19/23
Colony Drop – Substation, Seattle, WA – 5/19/23
Wake – Substation, Seattle, WA – 5/19/23
Boris – The Showbox, Seattle, WA – 9/1/23
Melvins – The Showbox, Seattle, WA – 9/1/23